The 10 Greatest Non-Human Drinkers | The Portal

The 10 Greatest Non-Human Drinkers

Humans aren’t the only beings to indulge in getting so trashed that they can find a lamp sexually attractive or maybe even “the one.” Alcoholism and the fun of being physically unable to remember your name knows no biologic boundaries.
Source: Annie Katz/Photographer's Choice/Getty Images

10. The Vervet Monkeys of St. Kitts Island
Every group of hard drinking guys has that one member who doesn’t like the taste of pure alcohol. So instead of tossing back rounds of whiskey or a stiff vodka martini, he orders the sweetest libation on the menu, a drink so ridiculously colorful and tart that you could decorate Boy George’s bathroom with it.

Meet the vervet monkeys of St. Kitts, a.k.a. the girl drinkers of the animal kingdom. These primates are native to Africa but were brought to this island in the West Indies to make the place more tropical for tourists. The monkeys spent no time making themselves at home and even developed a taste for the sickly sweet tropical fruit drinks that the natives sling at tourists by the pitcher. In fact, they are known for stealing the guests’ drinks when they aren’t looking. So not only are they the wussiest drinkers of the animal world, but they are the biggest check skippers as well.

9. Hooch from Turner & Hooch
Source: Buena Vista Pictures
The only Tom Hanks film not to have been made into a Broadway musical bomb (yet) featured a gruff but loveable dog who liked to wet his whistle by cracking open a cold one. It’s an even more impressive trait considering he did it without thumbs, a discernable taste in beer, or the good sense to recycle the aluminum cans once he was done gulping them down.

This scruffy Dogue de Bordeaux’s former owner didn't take much of a likin’ to his vet’s advice to feed his pet normal dog food. Instead, Hooch consisted on a diet of chocolate chip cookies and more than a few cans of cold brewskis. Hooch became such a good drunk that he even learned how to open the cans by cracking open the metal seals with his teeth. That’s not bad for a dog. Hell, for a human, it’s the sign of a much needed intervention.

8. Brian Griffin from Family Guy
Source: 20th Century Fox Television
When he’s not recalling pointless anecdotes about his brush with pop culture’s past or trying to get into his owner’s wife’s pants, this family dog likes to let the world pass him by downing more than a few cocktails during his day.

The Griffins’ family pet is actually a fairly high functioning drunk for a dog who regularly downs martinis and carries a hip flask with him where ever he goes, despite the fact he doesn’t wear pants or have any discernable pockets on him. In fact, compared to the rest of the Griffin clan, Brian is practically a Rhodes scholar since he could hold his own and still utter sentences that sound like they were crafted by John Cheever. It’s probably no surprise that both were high functioning drunks, although given the amount of hooch Cheever consumed on a day-to-day basis, they probably smelled about the same. 

7. The Lorikeet Parrots of Australia
Source: Art Wolfe/Stone/Getty Images
It seems that every other day, there is a weird story hitting the front pages about hundreds of birds suddenly dropping out of the sky for no explicable reason. Some believe rampant pollution is the cause. Others believe it to be a rare strain of bacteria or a new bird virus. Most are forgetting that birds in places like Arkansas probably fall out of the sky by the hundreds due to rampant gunfire, unclean water, or the depressing fact that they live in Arkansas.

One hypothesis they might have overlooked is their inate ability to overindulge in drink. A town in Australiaregularly sees entire populations of dead drunk lorikeet parrots dropping out of the skies, most likely due to a fermented plant that makes them drunk. Unfortunately, they also suffer from massive hangovers and require specialized care to get them over their own personal morning from Hell. Why isn’t PETA all over this? Anyone with a working head, a central nervous system, and a bar tab knows the suffering a morning hangover brings and would gladly donate whatever they could to rid the world of this debilitating illness. The same goes for herpes research.

6. Winky the House-Elf from the Harry Potter Series
Of course, alcohol isn’t a consequenceless substance or one that should be handled with kid gloves. As fun as enjoying it can be, it also comes with dangerous, downright deadly consequences. It especially shouldn’t be abused when a person is in a state of deep sadness or regret. Alcohol is a depressant and can only amplify those emotions. Unless, of course, your an elf. The only thing is amplifies is how hilarious they look.

The former House-Elf for the Crouch family fell into a deep depression after the family let her go and instead of finding another job, updating her resume or joining a networking seminar, she turned to “Butterbear” as her career counselor. So if you’re concerned that the “Harry Potter” books are teaching impressionable children the benefits of solving problems with violence or the tenants of witchcraft, don’t fret. They are also learning an important lesson about life: beer makes the pain in your tummy less hurty.
5. The cows of Sezmu Meats of Saskatchewan, Canada
Source: Allan Baxter/Photodisc/Getty Images
Being a cow must suck the sour teat of tragedy. Not only has Mother Nature designed you to be the least fearsome and lumbering of her lowliest creatures, but she also made your wide ass the tastiest thing on the planet. Plus, the only animal that should be allowed to drink can’t because their hands have the same grip power as a set of unopened soup cans.

One Canadian meat farm not only helps cows with their natural depression, but also makes them tastier by default. The farm regularly feeds their stock of cattle and future steaks gallons of red wine. The cows not only come back for round after round until last call, but the wine also makes a perfect morbid marinade when they are slaughtered and turned into delicious main courses. If the cows could eat themselves, they would ask for seconds and wash it down with a nice glass of "pain-go-away juice."

4. Honeybees
Source: Don Farrall/Digital Vision/Getty Images
Science has given us many wonderful things. Without it, we wouldn’t know such mankind-changing facts as the viscosity of human anger spittle, the shelf-life of Twinkies, or the inexplicable longevitiy of Yoko Ono.

Thankfully, this wave of progress has not yet reached its highwater mark. We now know that honeybees can and do get drunk. A group of scientists fed a hive a heavy cluster of ethanol and found that they not only took to the sense-altering substance, but it also disrupted their social patterns and behaviors. All they really had to do was go to any bar in America and watch a hapless nerd get pissed five ways from Sunday and try to hit on a girl so completely out of his league that even Drew Rosenhaus couldn’t cajole her into going all the way to the "Big Show" with him.

3. Bender from Futurama
Source: 20th Century Fox Television
Who says that you have to be a walking sack of meat and feathers to enjoy more than your fair share of the nectar of the Gods? Machines are people too, if people ran on batteries and came with warranty cards written in four different languages.

This literal drinking machine spends about three-quarters of his days pounding down everything from beer to martinis (depending on the time of day and position of the sun, he may be an alcoholic but he’s still got class) because, well, he has to. And unlike your jobless uncle who says he has to have a drink to get through the day, it’s actually true in Bender’s case. Being sober has the opposite effect on his shiny metal ass since he runs on pure alcohol and a lack of the stuff makes him belligerent and moody. Well, more than usual. Think of him as a giant metal brother-in-law, only more huggable and likely to steal from you while you’re sleeping.

2. The Pen-Tailed Tree Shrew of Malaysia
Source: Wikipedia
Remember that good-looking guy in college who could drink anyone under the table and still have enough of his faculties to pick up your keys and the cute blonde at the end of the bar? Now he has someone he can hate for a change.

This particular species of tree shrew not only drinks the strongest drinks among the animal kingdom (a nectar that contains 3.8 percent alcohol), but he can hold his liquor better than a 50-foot longshoreman with a three-day pass and an uncashed pension check. So remember, folks: don’t drink and drive and if you do drink, bring along a Malaysian pen-tailed tree shrew that also knows how to drive.

1. Hosehead from Strange Brew
Source: Warner Bros.
Sure, more famous movie animals had more than their fair share of the booze. Lassie would get drunk in his trailer in between takes to soften the pain of being famous. Benji regularly tossed a few back in his day over fears that the tabloids would out him as a closet poodle.

The trusty canine sidekick of noted beer swillers Bob and Doug MacKenzie, however, didn’t just drink beer. It gave him special powers like the ability to fly at the speed of sound across great distances and warn strangers about unseen dangers. This dog could not only save the day, but he could do it on a full, warm tank of Canada’s finest. Spiderman couldn’t even make it halfway down a city block after leaving a bar without turning around to get his keys.

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